I was brought up in the Church of Christ. Every sunday I went to church, and became a very devout Christian. I would teach sunday school, lead the singing, and run the youth group. Out of love, I tried to teach people about Jesus, in the hope that they would become Christians and go to heaven.
From about the age of twenty, I started to realize that things weren't quite right. No matter what anyone said, I couldn't understand how a loving, almighty God could put people in Hell. I kept praying about this, begging God to give me some sort of explanation, but he simply wouldn't. I couldn't understand why such a powerful God, who considered himself to be my father, wouldn't want to take an hour out of his day to explain such an important concept to his servant.
The only thing I could do was think up excuses. I could not consider the possibility that the bible could be wrong, so I told myself that maybe God's just telling us that to try to make us do good, and when judgement day comes, maybe he'll just put everyone in Heaven anyway.
And so, for another five or so years, that was what I believed. During that time I learned about the concept of "cognitive dissonance." Cognitive dissonance is my favourite word, because, when you understand what it means, you understand why you think the way you do, and there is hope that you might realize the difference between what you know, and the truth. If you've never heard of "coginitve dissonance", look it up now.
When I got married, my wife and I decided to leave our churches and switch to a church which taught something inbetween what our two individual churches were teaching. It was then that I realized that the first thing I needed to do was speak to the preacher about my Hell theory. The preacher pointed out something that was quite obvious, but, due to cognitive dissonance, I had never allowed myself to think... "If you don't believe in Hell, then you believe that Jesus isn't saving you from anything, which basically means that you don't believe Jesus is your saviour, and you're not a Christian."
During the next few years I continued to find many more problems with the bible. It was as if my eyes were opened and I was suddenly able to see all the contradictions and ridiculousness that I'd never seen before. I didn't keep it to myself, because I tried to be open minded about the whole thing, and asked some of the most devout Christians that I knew to explain the things I had problems understanding. None of them could, and two of them recommended a book, which didn't explain it either. I thought that surely there's a reason they're so devout, but I discovered it was not because of knowledge, but because they believed that even though they didn't understand the bible it was still true. This leads me to wander, why would they think it's true, if they don't even understand it?
Anyway, I made a video with ten of my top problems with the bible and put them as questions on YouTube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo6m-FD_Sto
I received many views and many "answers". I put "answers" in quotes because none of them could answer my questions logically. I eventually had to realize that no matter how much I wanted to be a Christian, I simply was not. When I finally accepted this I was at peace... everything in my mind was ordered and logical, and I could finally be honest with myself.
Now, you would think that if it's so difficult for me, someone who has spent thirty years in church, and tried desperately for many years to find answers, to be a Christian, that it would be easy for me to point out the flaws in other people's thinking, but it was not so. No matter what I say to a Christian, they stick to their beliefs.
My biggest problem is that my mom, and both sets of in-laws are devout Christians. Even most of my friends are Christians. When I married my wife I thought I was a Christian, and promised my father-in-law that I would keep taking my wife to church. They all believe that anyone who is not a Christian is going to burn forever in Hell. I cannot let them know that I am not a Christian.
My mom, however, is very persistent, and realizing that my attitude towards the religion has changed, she managed to squeeze the truth out of me. She tells me that she often cries, because I am not a Christian, and no matter how much I try to explain the logic behind my thinking, she won't accept it. She never will be able to overcome her cognitive dissonance.
I want to come out of the closet. I want to tell the world that I am not a Christian. I want to explain why, but I cannot. I don't want to hurt anyone, especially not my wife, who understands that I have problems with the bible, but I don't think she quite gets how much I hate the lies that are found in the bible.
Christians are taught how evil the "world" is, but they really have no idea how loving and good an Athiest can be. I am a big supporter of The Zeitgeist Movement, something I do mostly because I am a good, loving person, but my mother doesn't see it that way... "Jesus said 'There will always be poor people,'" she tells me. She thinks it's pointless that I'm trying to help solve the problem of poverty... all I'm supposed to do is "pray". I am sick and tired of praying to a god that NEVER EVER answers.... EVER!
My friends and family keep posting on Facebook how great and wonderful Jesus is, even though he is the cause of all my family problems, but I cannot say anything. I want to point out the ridiculousness, but I cannot.
I want to explain to my mom how it's actually IMPOSSIBLE for me to be a Christian. I have let go of my closed minded thinking, and entered the world of logic, and I will never go back to the spagetti "logic" of the bible. I cannot make myself believe something if all evidence points to it being untrue.
Hardly anyone I know, knows this blog exists, so this is how I vent. I love this blog... my little connection to reality.
