The Real Genesis
I had one goal, "To make them think I don't exist."
It sounds simple enough... all you have to do is do nothing. Looking back I should probably have done that, but I didn't. This is my story.
Six thousand years ago I created the universe. The universe was small, but flexible. I placed the Earth, an amazing, spherical planet, with the ability to grow to adequately cater for an infinite number of occupants, directly in the center of it.
The Earth was incredible. I distributed rivers and fertile soil evenly throughout the entire planet so that no-one would ever be without food or water. I had special trees which produced fruit, others which produced clothing, and even trees that produced bedding. Wherever anyone went they would be safe, warm, clothed, and comfortable.
I produced some men and women. Every one of them was heterosexual, and very good looking. They had plenty of sex, and each time they did so, the female could decide whether she would like to become pregnant or not.
The people invented lots of games and spent all their time having fun. They never got old, never got hurt, never wanted anything that they couldn't have, and never had any reason to fight. Everything was perfect.
Unfortunately, one day, as they were gathered around a bonfire, one of them asked a question which forced me to change everything, "How did we get here?"
As they sat, roasting marshmellows from the marshmellow tree, they offered various hypothesis:
"Have you noticed how perfect everything is? Someone must have created us."
"That's not possible, for how would such a person have come about? Surely he must have evolved."
"What makes you think it's a he? It could have been a she."
"Whether it's a he or she, nor where they came from doesn't matter. What matters is that they exist."
And so the humans wasted their time trying to contact me. They called to me, and threw things into the sky. They set fire to things, to see if they could get my attention, and started writing big messages in fields. All I wanted to be was invisible.
I simply wanted it to seem like I didn't exist. I thought back to the conversation that the people had, and then it dawned on me... I could make it seem like they were created by evolution, and so I froze the humans and kept them in a storage facility as I started to change things.
I made the universe infinite in size, and created billions of useless planets and stars. I moved the Earth to a completely random location. Then I made all the planets spin and move outward at incredibly dangerously high speeds. I sped up time, so that fifteen billion years would pass. When it was all over I placed the humans back in their surroundings and thawed them out.
"We are not stupid, oh great one!" They shouted out. "Just because things are a bit more random, doesn't mean you don't exist. We see how perfect things still are. We know you're out there!"
"Damn it!" I shouted. All my work had not succeeded. I had to make things less perfect. I had to bring pain. "When I bring pain," I thought to myself, "then they will know that I do not exist."
And so I froze them again, and changed their world. I removed half of the trees, made it very cold in winter, and hot in summer. I removed ninety percent of the rivers and made everything appear to be random. Then I put them back.
"We still know you're out there! They shouted. We know you have given us painful times so we can appreciate the good times."
I couldn't believe it. They accepted my existence in spite of being cold and hot. As much as it broke my heart to do so, I had to bring more pain.
I created hurricanes, volcanoes, earthquakes and floods. I created insects that would bite and annoy people, large animals that would hunt them, trample them, and eat them, and snakes and spiders that would poison them. I made them smell bad, so that they had to continuously wash themselves, made them grow old, and become hairy. I even made some of them ugly, and some of them homosexual, so that they would not be able to have children. I made them unable to choose not to be pregnant after having sex, and made the women feel lots of pain, especially in child birth. I invented diseases, horrible ones, which would spread in all sorts of strange ways.
"Now you will know that I don't exist, I told their frozen bodies."
I thawed them out, and placed them back on the Earth.
"Oh great one!" They shouted out. "Heal us, mend us, make us well. Soothe our pain. Feed us."
No matter what I did, they still believed that I existed, and so I thought, if there's nothing I can do to make them think I don't exist, maybe I can just place the blame on someone else, and so I told them, "Twas not I! Twas the evil one! Twas the DEVIL, who gave you such pains, because you are a naughty bunch of moany, groany dimwits! But nevertheless, I am GOOD. I will cure your diseases, and feed you. I will give you warmth and comfort you. I will de-odorize your bodies and make your poop smell good. But whatever you ask for, do it quietly. You're such a noisy bunch, and I can hear your thoughts."
And so it was that I had some peace for a little while.
Little did I know that the dimwits had written down everything I had said. They made copies, and shared it amongst themselves. They spoke continuously about the writings, making up theories, expanding the written works with their nonsense.
After four thousand years, the writings had expanded to thousands of pages, filled with strange sayings and laws that I had supposedly made up. Their writings covered the entire Earth, but whenever they were transferred, changes were made. The east of the Earth had completely different writings to the west, and the middle, between the east and the west, was just completely muddled up. As I began to learn more I discovered that even in small areas, where they had the same writings they argued day and night about tiny details.
"I will end this, once and for all," I told myself. "I shall come down there and say something so ridiculous, and contradictory, that none of them will ever believe in me again."
I lay awake in bed that night, thinking of what I would tell them, writing down my ideas. I would tell them:
I am the great one that created you, and he is my father.
I am good, and just, and I will burn you eternally, so that you will have unimaginable pain for eternity if you don't believe in me.
The world will end in this generation. (When the generation dies out, they will have to stop believing in me)
Pray to me, and I will cure your diseases and remove your evil spirits. (When they eventually figure out the scientific method, they'll understand the problems with this.)
And so I went down to Earth and told them, and once again, they wrote down everything I said, copied it, made changes, and spread it throughout the Earth (except to China, because they had laws against this kind of thing).
Two thousand years later I returned and discovered that one third of them still believed the four lies that I told them.
Some philosophers had almost figured me out, but the rest of the world were dumfounded. The most notable of philosophers were these guys:
Adolf Hitler said, "Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it."
Charles Taze Russell, the fellow who invented the Jehovah's Witnesses, figured out nearly all the contradictions in what I said. His little organization almost had it, but instead of realizing that I was lying, re-translated my writings to say what he wanted them to say.
And so I ask you, dear humans, after doing everything God could possibly think of to try and make you believe that he does not exist, what more can he do to prove it to you?
